| life |
[May. 5th, 2008|01:00 am] |
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sucks. |
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| Ohhhhh Buuddyyyyyyyy |
[Dec. 7th, 2007|01:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  devious | ] |
haha sometimes i think my life is just funny... and i don't know whether that is a good thing or just fucked up... |
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| she was adorable |
[Sep. 22nd, 2007|10:16 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Regina Spektor | ] |
the regina concert was great, i love her...
it was annoying that where we were the top of the grand piano covered her face but every now and then she'd pop her head out
the line-up was AWESOME and she played an extremely long set. i'd sad it's over
and also, at the end of that video i took she's drinking a water bottle. i really wanted her guitar pic so i went up to the front after the concert had ended and the guy handed us her water. which was def not as great as a pic and actually i didn't want at all but ben was happy that he got to drink after regina haha |
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| Our FIrst Vacation |
[May. 25th, 2007|11:29 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Ocean City | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
To summarize- (sorry i don't really know how to hide pictures... so you HAVE to look...)
We played on the beach... Julie made sand castles
We attempted to go in the freezing ocean...
We watched the sunset off the dock of the bay...
We made a friend named Frank... He was a 'special' seagull...
We got up super early to watch the sunrise on the beach...
I DISCOVERED I THINK I HAVE A LAZY EYE OR SOMETHING... AND IM SO MAD NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME-
and then kelly grabbed the guitar and started jamming out...
hmmm or maybe the last part happened in Figi... |
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| Bored |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|03:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nothing... i'm in a quiet library | ] |
I find myself in the library of CCBC waiting for my next class to start with 3 extra hours on my hands. I should be writing my grad school essays but the more I try the worse they get. It's been awhile since i last posted so here is a quick update on my life...
-the nanny job fell through. I told the family i needed to find a job with health insurance and they found someone new before i could even say goodbye to the kids. I miss those kids. a whole lot. I hate that I left the job on semi bad terms. I would pretty much do anything to babysit for them on the weekends just go gain my respect back from the family and to hang out with the kids. Basically what happened was when I was working for Dena (the mom) for her psych practice and one day i decided it would be a good idea to bring julie to work with me. Dena flipped out and told me i broke confidentiality. i think it may have been the gay thing. either way it haunts my sleep that i can't go back in time and fix things.
-I decided I am going into education and therefore need an extra math,science and eng course in order to get into the grad program that i want. Hence why I am at CCBC.
-Julie moved in with me about a month ago. We have our good and bad days but the good def out weighs the bad. She's a wonderful girl and i really don't give her enough credit. She really respects my craziness and works around my weird habits. We fight over financial things... we are at relaly different places in our lives which also gets in the way. She is still in party mode and i'm more into growing up these days. plus she REAALLLYYYY needs to stop smoking.
-i finally decided it was time to go ot therapy for my OCD/anxiety issues... we'll see how that goes
-applebee's sucks but i am broke and need a job where i can pick my own hours... really money is an issue these days. we can't afford to do much of anything... i can't wait to get a real job and be able to buy groceries when we need them or go out to the bar without having to rely on others to buy us drinks.
-i burned my face pretty bad with the curling iron the other day. i have a huge welt about my lip/cheek/nose. it SUCKS. not only does it hurt but burns take a LONG time to go away and mostly always leave scars.
-my friend lani and i are starting to write music and pretty soon are going to perform at open mic nigts. she is awesome at writing lyrics and has a pretty good voice and plays a little guitar. between me on guitar with her backing me up and her voice with me backing her up on certain harmonies it's a pretty exciting project. plus she's gorgeous so as long as i blend into the background people will be interested in what she is doing.
okay well i guess that's a good taste of what's going on... i'm here with nothing to do for another few hours so i'm sure i'll probably write some more soon... |
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| moving to florida... |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|11:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
soooo... i think i'm moving to florida in december with Risa and the Jenns... so random yes i know... we even found places to live and are planning a trip in the summer to go look for jobs. i'm so anxious and scared but i think it will be good for me to move away from baltimore for a little bit. |
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| RIP best friend |
[Mar. 13th, 2006|04:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | fiona apple - never is a promise | ] |
Casey died today... i don't even know how to handel it. she's been my best friend for the past g-d knows how many years. It's gonna be so weird to go home and have her not be there. To not hear a bark at the door when I'm home. To not see gross bones everywhere, and the dog bowl. To not see her scratch on the fridge because she's hungry. I really really miss her. I guess we all sort of expected it after last week when she was rushed to the hospital but i thought i'd maybe at least get to see her one more time. my mom made her buddy icon a picture of casey and i can't even deal to look at it because it makes me cry but i can't tell her that because she'll give me the speech about what a great life the dog had and how it was her time and i just can't hear it anymore.
I put in my two weeks notice at Build-a-bear yesterday. i fucking hate the new manager. we had a staff meeting last night and i blew up afterwards and told him how i couldn't work for him anymore and he basically said it didn't matter if i stayed or went... way to keep your employees buddy. you are already incredibly short staffed since everyone is leaving because you are an AWFUL manager that doesn't have any people skills.
I haven't slept in awhile since i've been studying for history. I think i did okay on the test. I hope so. i really don't even care at this point thought, i just want to be done with school. i have no idea what i want to do next year and it's getting closer and closer. I should have just not been lazy before and applied for grad school but i really did wanna take a year off. I will probably end up interning somewhere. It's like, i don't wanna apply for jobs until i get my degree just incase something happens and i can't get it. and knowing towson that's a huge possibility.
you'd think i'd be at a bad place in my life but i'm actually the most stable i've been in years. I guess heart ache hurts worse than nothing. and when you have nothing it's hard to remember what it was like when you had it. but atleast i'm not in tears daily like i was 4/5 months ago. i mean, with the exception of today... but that's different. I'm okay being with myself but it just gets boring. I think i'm definatly more into having one or two best friends than a whole lot of just plain friends. For the first time in forever i'm sucking it up and trying the whole "have lots of friends" thing. Actually it's nice, sometimes. It's way less stressful. I wish i could find somewhere inbetween. Like times such as now, when all i wanna do is cry and not talk... i wish i had someone to go to for that... but i don't. because everyone is busy and caught up in their own lives. Every time someone asks me how i am i don't feel liike explaining it all so i just say i'm fine. I want someone around that knows me well enough to know how much i cared about this dog and to realize how much i just want a shoulder to cry on. not to talk. not to explain. maybe to get my mind off things and make me smile.
It's pretty outside but the thought of enjoying the day makes me sick to my stomach.
do you ever feel like you do all the work in maintaining certain relationships? like if you weren't the one occasionally calling or leaving messages you would completely loose certain important people from your life? I think i make a lousy inbetween friend. I'm a good best/close friend. I'm a good girlfriend. and i'm okay if you sort of just 'know me'. but i think i suck at just being a normal friend. it's like if you can't give a friendship your all then what's the point? and i try not to call all the time or be a bother. and i try not to loose people from my life completely. but i just suck at this whole "just plain friends" thing. maybe i should just accept that people move on. grow apart.
the home situation is good. chris and i get along great now. of course we still fight but i think we can both sense when something's about to get heated and just stop the conversation and start something new. I do enjoy her company. She is one of VVEEERRRYYY few people that i can just maintain this normal "just friends, not best friends, not girlfriends" relationship with. It took awhile to be able to have that, but i think we work much better with each other now. She did try to comfort me and give me a hug when it came to the whole casey situation and i do really appreciate her being here for me. I like that we just have this understanding now of "you might not agree with how i do things and you may do things differently, but you respect how i do them and i'll do things my way and you can do things your way" if that made any sense what-so-ever. well... for the most part, nothing is ever perfect.
okay well i guess im gonna go lay down, try to get my mind off of things. |
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| confused |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|12:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
everytime i say things are gonna change they never do. i'm still here lonely. life is still ridiculous. tonight was painful. i pretended like it was fine but it wasn't. i don't know how what to do. i don't know how to improve things. i don't know what to do with myself. |
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[Dec. 15th, 2005|10:40 pm] |
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SO. Bored. WIth. Life. |
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| welcome to... |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|08:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
welcome to:
no amount of stoned makes you feel ok
welcome to:
this year's alone - brought to you by christmas day
welcome to:
the darkness into which prayin people pray
it's quiet here except for this song
now that everybody's gone
but hey
least you don't have to play along today
welcome to:
something like elation when you first open your eyes
just cuz it means
that you musta finally got to sleep last night
welcome to:
the precipice between groundlessness and flight
it's quiet here except for this song
now that everybody's gone
but hey
least you don't have to play along today
besides which
welcome to:
taking the good stuff down off of the shelf
and welcome to:
the art of conversation with yourself
welcome to:
humming an unbroken tune
all day long
yes it's quiet here
but hey
least you don't have to play along today |
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[Nov. 23rd, 2005|05:55 pm] |
hey everyone... okay so i finally have a phone but my old one was so damaged that the numbers won't transfer so i don't have ANYONE's phone number anymore... If you could please respond back with your number that would be AMAZING... (cell, home, school,... anything and everything pllease)... thank you SOO much
ps- i hope everyone has an awesome thanksgiving :) |
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| last night was fun |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|03:47 pm] |
go to my pictures under "Party@ our place" for the rest... |
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[Nov. 13th, 2005|05:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
day one- hung out with ben, movies with cait and jess and heather, ben slept over
day two- gavi came over, we went to wegmans, abby came over, we watched garden state and kill bill vol2, abby slept on the sofa
day three- farmers market with abby, bought coffee, good bread and inscents, we then had an AWESOME hike around robert e. lee and it was a BEAUTIFUL day, then we went to fells point for pizza and went in a bunch of shops, then more coffee, then home
i've done my best to keep busy while chris is in the bahama, the dani situation has worn me out and drained me of all emotions, things are getting better with the jenns and me...
i need to keep busy like i have been for the first time in forever, it's good for me to be around ppl instead of hiding away from the world... i took lots of good pictures today so u should check my pics if u wanna see them... i have yet to post them so i dunno what they are gonna be under yet |
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| Robert E. Lee |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|10:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
Last night I went to bed kinda late. This morning i woke up to my roommate trying to pull the covers off my bed insisting that u went out and enjoyed the day with her. Being the lazy bum that i often tend to be I decided i needed to sleep more and shower and bum around till class at 5 but after chris gave me a hard time about how lame i was being i decided i would drag myself out of bed and enjoy the beautiful day. I am SOOOooooo glad that i did! We headed over to Robert E. Lee park and saw some dogs and hiked through some woods and found a really pretty group a rocks that we climbed and sat on and enjoyed the sun and the nature. There were a million lady bugs around. There was also a little baggy that seemed to maybe used to have drugs of some sort in it. hahaha ofcourse chris investigates it and realizes that indeed there was coke in that bag. I saw a fish and an awesome turtle in the water. I also saw a snake but chris didn't believe me. funny though because later when we were hiking back we ran into that snake again, like literally we were a foot away from it and it was pretty big. kinda scary. but i really enjoy nature. i took a lot of pictures. really chris is a good influence in my life sometimes lol. she gives me a lot of shit about the things i do but i'm glad she does sometimes cuz i'm SO glad i got out of the house and enjoyed the pretty day.
The rest of the pictures are here-
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/unlearn2902/album?.dir=91c3&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/unlearn2902/my_photos |
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[Oct. 28th, 2005|07:11 pm] |
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I found my new passion in life... Mandolin! it's perfect for me! it's a mix between a guitar and a violin and i play both plus its the same strings as a violin so i already know how to read music for it! and i went to guitar center today and tried it out and it's AMAZING! I'm in love!... I NEED ONE... like now |
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| tuesday and such |
[Oct. 20th, 2005|06:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dispatch - the general | ] |
last night i didn't get to bed till like 7am. i had class at 9 and an exam that i didn't study for at 11. by the time my exam was over today i was SO beat so i decided to skip my final 2 classes and come back home and sleep. BEST. DECISION. EVER. but yeah so now im just sitting around waiting for it to be 10 so i can hang out with ben. im excited because i haven't seen him in awhile. the past couple days have been extreme drama and i just cant wait to spend quality time with ben. that is one thing i miss about dating him. there was no drama in my life back then. plus i know he still really cares about me and thats somewhat of a comfort to know ppl care about me.
right now im watching made on mtv and downloading some of chris' cds onto my computer. im excited for some new music. tomorrow i dunno what im doing but it will probably involve running lots of errands. leighann keeps calling me, shes funny, i heart her.
sunday i have to wear a halloween costume to work. jenn malak and i went to the store to find one last night and i decided on being a hula dancer. haha im super excited cuz its always a fun day of work. im walking around with the big bear mascot for the day which means i wont actually have to do anything else. plus im totally wear comfy sweat pants under my grass skirt and its very rare i get to wear comfy clothes to work.
tomorrow night is the drag show but im debating whether or not to go. aparently they are charging a lot to get in which is kinda lame. i do wanna go out though. i really miss going out.
okay well this was a fairly boring entry. hmm i dunno what else exciting i can say. there's always dani stuff. like how she's absolutely AMAZING and i hate that she lives so far away because we'd be perfect for each other. it's REALLY scary how perfect we are for each other. i just want her here but i know that isn't at all possible. i dunno if she's even coming in november anymore because of a huge fight involving the jenns and me and the dani situation. sucks. |
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| it's been awhile... |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|11:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | commence feeling real ;) | ] |
hmmm where can i start... wow so it's been awhile since i've written a real entry. so much shit has been going on but most of it is inappropriate to post to the world and since i kinda don't wanna lock this entry im just gonna be good. School has been okay, nothing major has happened with it. I enjoy my classes for the most part with the exception of two. I have a really amazing lunch crew- Hilary and Ryan. we have lunch every tuesday and thursday at 2. we have amazing in depth debates and conversations about some deep amazing shit. i really enjoy it haha. i heart the jenns. i've been hanging out with them a lot lately and it's made me really happy. actually jenn malak (well both but mostly malak) introduced me to this girl named dani. well i haven't really met her yet cuz she lives in upstate new york but i've been talking to her on the phone every second of my life for the past couple weeks. she's coming to visit in mid november and i can't WAIT. she's amazing, like really amazing. i wish she didn't live so far away though. she makes me smile and it's SO good for me. plus she's musical (slash plays guitar and writes songs) and that's real cool. so yeah, i can't wait till november week two. okay so (mini) weekend update-
-we had a taco night the other night and it was amazing. the jenn's, leighann and i. then we drank and got high and it was nice. theres pictures posted online actually. yeah so then yesterday night i hung out with the jenn's after my math class and we wrote a pretty hot song haha. it's about myspace but it's really awesome hahaha. i'm sure you will all hear it at some point... like when we are FAMOUS hahaha. wow kidding. yeah so then i talked to dani. suprise suprise. we talk a lot. like a lot a lot. like every night till like 5am. i heart her :). yeah so then i pulled an all nighter writing a paper last night and then today i felt like crap and came home and fell alseep at 4:30 and just woke up like around 11ish.
okay well im gonna go be a real person for a bit and then ill for real make a journal entry i think... |
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| life update |
[Sep. 18th, 2005|06:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored with life | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ani difranco | ] |
tryin to work out. after work today i did push ups and back walk overs all over the apartment haha. I wanna get strong again. I mean i know i wanna get back into shape and loose some weight but i really just wanna get my strength back. I know im never gonna be exactly where i was in high school but hopefully i can gain my muscle back and start running and maybe start playing lacrosse again. I don't really wanna play on the club team here again, i mean i wanna find a rec team or something. I wish i knew more ppl that played and could throw a ball around with me.
build-a-bear wasn't SO lame today. usually i can't wait to get out of that shit hole. and maybe it was the adderall and maybe it was the fact that all i did was lead parties all day, but it wasn't so terrible. i don't like any of the new ppl. i mean no one is nearly as fun as all the old ppl that left and graduated but maybe i will give them another chance.
i need to do something drastic physcially. i need to shave my head or atleast dread it, or get another tattoo, or pierce something... something i NEED to do. I'm so bored with myself, with my 'look' hahah not that i have a 'look'. i'm so boring, my clothes my hair my everything. I mean i just dress comfortable and usually have my hair up but it's getting lame. I look around at all the ppl who i would potentially like to meet and i always notice ppl that stand out phsycially. i know changing myself on the outside wont really do anything in terms of me meeting people but maybe it will give me more confidence or something.
my life is so boring. same old routine, same old songs on guitar, same music, same clothes, same people, same things to do, same cycle of classes and work. I know i find some comfort in it but its WAY past that. i reeeaaallly dislike it. i'm jumping out of my skin in this town. im again lost and i dont know what to do with my life. i'm sure i will end up being a teacher but i dunno if i can even handel doing more school and having a real job now. i can't settle down here with this. i can't keep doing this day after day after day after day... |
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[Sep. 9th, 2005|03:45 pm] |
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I was sitting around with nothing to do so i decided to write in my paper journal. After writing I decided to read through all the entries i had written since mid may. I realize a lot about myself after reading. It's REALLY time for me to change. It all makes so much sense and yet I have no idea how to fix it. |
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amyrae29's journal
